just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
