Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
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Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
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I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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