Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
