I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
