My friends, they love my intelligence
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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