I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Randomize
