woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Randomize
