im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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