I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
