I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
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