there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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