This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
