you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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