He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
