community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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