A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
