I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Randomize
