i just made my gag reflex go away.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
