i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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