I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
