Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
