Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Randomize
