Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
