I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
