go do what you do best...puke behind churches
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
He better not be in your backpack
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
