Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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