If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
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drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
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I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
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