I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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