'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
