i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
