if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
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