I hate all girls vehemently.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
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