He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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