I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
