i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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