last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
