Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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