just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
