You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
