i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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