if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
