you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
