Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
