My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Randomize
