Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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