Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
