It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
