This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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