I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
