All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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