dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
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I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
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Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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