here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
