Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
