Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
